because you are a college student,you shouldn't depend on your parents

建议把because改成since，因为because因果关系较强，一般用于对why问句的回答

你的完全正确，或者这样也行比较委婉一些：

Now that you are a college student, you should learn to be independent of your parents' help.
既然你已是个大学生了，就应当学着独立，不靠父母的帮助。

大问题没有
最好把because引导的原因状语从句放在主句后面

当然有!

正确的应该是:Since you are a college student,so you shouldn't always depend on your parent's help.

since you are a college student,you shouldn't depend on your parents.

because是因为。有了因为你得放个所以才同吧？用since后面就不用动了。

应该没什么错。