托福作文提提意见给个分

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/05/15 11:31:45
题目是:It has recentl been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why?

I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education is the most essential field of a nation where the students who will be the mainstay to contribute to the country in the future are nurtured. However, there are a few factors for which I oppose to the project personally should be taken into consideration.
Only viewing this problem in a more objective aspect can we find out that with the school set up, the serenity inside the community will be devastated. For instance, the students who commute by their families’ own vehicles could give rise to severe traffic jam in peak hours like 8am and 5pm. On the other hand, the daily activities the kids perform such as soccer and basketball are often times accompanied by yelling and shouting, and thus they would all dedicate to the disturbance of the neighborhood.

帮你修改一下，根据我的经历，提一些个人意见，希望对你有帮助。

I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education is the most essential field of a nation where the students who will be the mainstay to contribute to the country in the future are nurtured.
（首先，一个经验就是你的句子不能太长，嵌套的成分不能太多。新东方老师曾经是讲过，尽量用长句，一篇GRE的ISSUE还说可以用十几个长句搞定。但是必须呈请的是，句子长可以，但是必须清楚。一句话，只要没有句号，就没算完，不一定要一口气下来。你的这句太长了，很容易让读者读着读着就忘了你前面的关系了，产生混乱。你可以把一个长句用逗号分一下，结构会清楚很多。例如，because前面就很应该加一个逗号。另外，where引导的从句里面还套了个who从句，还是一个被动态，这就有些复杂，没有必要。建议改成下面：
I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood， because education is the most essential field of a nation， and the students who will be the backbone to the society in the future can receive nutrition from it.

However, there are a few factors for which I oppose to the project personally should be taken into consideration.
这句还是这个问题。你的句子过于复杂化，不要刻意的堆积句子成分以延长句子。而且这句语法有点问题。there be 后面直接接了should be。 建议改成：
However, I o