怎样告诉学生这句话是错的，错在哪？细致点。

Mr.Wang,a native in Beijing(他是地道的北京人），has became a successful businessman in New York.
一句话里不能出现2个小句子而没有连接词

Mr.Wang, who is a native in Beijing, has become a sucessful businessman in New York

把he 改成who
这是一个典型的定语从句！！

人 的 定 语 从 句 应 用 who来 引 导 ,也 就 是 说 应 把 he 改 为 who

Mr wang has become a sucessful businessman in new york,who is a native in beijing .

老师我对你太失望了....