热心人帮帮忙~~~

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/06/14 19:52:30
这是我写的托福作文，那位有空帮忙提提意见，改改啊~~貌似有好多语法错误~~帮个忙吧~

What are some important qualities of a good supervisor?
From my point of view ,a good boss is supposed to know how to communicate with his or her employees . If a company meet some obstacles or some internal problems during the work. A good supervisor,which have skills of communication ,will understand the situation of the employees by communication and give them some advises and stimulate them work effeciently
Apart from the skills of communication , a boss must be passionate . Apparently,when the boss have a great passion of work ,it will influence the employees and evolve them to have a passion of work too. As for the boss of Baibu ,he is very addicted in Internet Technology, which really affected his employees ,he always encourage his employees to develop the technology of Internet by passionate speeches.As a result ,Baidu now developed very well.
Besides,leadership ,which means letting the employees ob

依个人之见，貌似问题比较多呵，老身慢慢道来啊。可能净是意见了，不过良药苦口利于病啊。我改的文章就依你的原文为主啊，但并不代表你的句子就是最恰当的了。

一，我觉得你的写作有概念性的问题。像托福和sat写作不应该是像列意见似的一条一条列，这不是“文章”，而是意见书，是应用文。我们要写的是文章。那么怎么让文章看起来更像文章呢？
1.原因应当拣重要的写，不要写超过三条。但是对于每一条都要有具体的描述和详尽的分析。就是说，把你的理由从四个减成两个或三个，然后每个都精写。
2.应当花更大的篇幅陈述逻辑分析和实例，而不是写一些陈述性的话。
3.应当有一定的句法描写和修辞，托福写作虽然很注重你的逻辑，但是它毕竟是语言考试，应当写一些更好的表达法，这样能给自己加不少分。

二，能看出你的文章是很有逻辑的，但是这种逻辑要表现出来。而且最好文章有个开头。即，我们可以这么写：
There are many qualities which are essential to supervisors; however, in my point of view, I strongly believe that the ability to communicate, passion and leadership are the most significant.这个作为开头，与中间段落和结尾像呼应。
同时，我一直坚持认为不要用 then, besides, apart from 这些词，就用first, second, last 最能表现出文章的层次。
那么我们第二段的开头就说
First, apparently, a good boss is supposed to know how to communicate with his or her employees
同理
第三段，
Second, a boss should be passionate.
.......
同理下去。
我认为开头的导语句能展示语言能力最好，要展示不出来就留在后面展示，关键还是要把话说清楚。
最后，
Last but not