帮我检查一下我写的英语作文有没有什么问题

整篇来说，有"we"又有"your"，可能会搞得你文章的读者混乱，你究竟是用第一人称还是第二人称？最好整篇文章保持一种人称，除非你是要特显出你和读者之间的不同。

everybody是作为单数的不定代词，所以我建议：
I think everybody have their own opinion where the place they desired to go or visit.
-〉
I think everybody has his/her own opinion about what place he/she desires to go or visit.（或者用where代替what place)

We do many things and go to almost two places every day:your home and your school.
建议改成：
We have many activities to do but almost go between two places only, where are schools and homes.

Maybe less people prefer staying in a place because they're obsessed with computer games or watching televisions."less"用在有比较的时候吧。建议换成"a few"或"some"或...

没有说运动的好处，在总结的时候却忽然说"it is better to do some sports outside than ..."太有跳跃性了吧？
插入建议：
Nevertheless, sport can be fun and helps both our body and our mind to relax, so it makes us healthier.

"