给大学的申请恳求(appeal)信..请问哪位能帮修改,谢谢

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/06/21 23:24:46
This is an admission appeal letter to an American
university. Plz help me to revise...thanks for ur nicely help~ =)

Dear Undergraduate Admission Office,

I recently received a letter from Purdue University informing me that I have been offered admission to The College of Engineering for Summer 2007 at Purdue University Park campus because of the competitive admission. However, my former high school just told me that there were some errors in my original transcript so I would like to send the updated one to admission office. And this year, I have significant improvement in school and outside school. My most recent unweighted GPA is 3.86 in honor and AP classes. I also had a project won the second place of individual exhibit in National History Day Contest in Montgomary County, and I will join the state level contest at the end of this month. Purdue is my first choice school even though other ten more schools offered me admission as well and provide me very dec

咱中国人说话含蓄，从你的申请中表现的是淋漓尽致
老外喜欢开门见山,何不把你该说的问题(第一,我要重新递交我的application and transcripts,第二.我准备申请秋季入学)提到前面呢?然后再摆理由,再恭维?

但从语法和英语习惯来说，有几处还值得斟酌
1.And the College of Engineering attracts me mostly because its world level professors, facilities and learning environments
改成...because of its world-class faculties, facilities and learning environments.
2.In the pass months since I heard the decision from Purdue,
这里pass我相信是你笔误.呵呵
3.I tried to convince my parents to let me attend Purdue begin with the following summer,but they insist me to spend the three month to work in full time job both gaining experience and money to support my college tuition for the incoming academic year, since the college tuition is high enough for me and my family.
这句够长,但问题似乎也多一点,,attend换成enroll in是不是好点,改为let me enroll in Purdue and begin with the following summer, but they insisted me to spend the three months(from A 月 to B 月) to work in a full time job .....
4.I even arg