再帮忙改该托福作文吧~~~(科技话题)~~~~~~~~~

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/06/08 14:35:16
Has technology made the world a better place to live? In fact ,when we talk about such complex question ,we cannot easily give a yes-no answer. However, if it is required a absolute answer, a resounding “yes!” should be my answer.
Firstly, what the most obvious we can see is that :With the development of technology ,our life became more and more convenient. Certainly, hundreds years ago, as a common sense, people live without telephone. Therefore it is relatively too hard to communicate between people who live far away from each others. For example: If flood happened thousands mile away capital, emperor can only be informed only by horse-riding way. Precious time would be wasted on road at last. However, as phone presented, such important news can be passed on easily . Not only this invention contributes to this kind of big cases , but also can be used for folks. When their offspring travel outside, mothers miss sons ,fathers remember daughters . By this way, to satisfy them can n

看完了,提几点问题:

第一段说的有点罗嗦,而且读起来怪怪的,除了开头点出题目外,后面的感觉在没话找话说,这是托福文章的大忌,你有这点篇幅功夫,分论点都可以写清楚了.

第二段写的很不错。

第三段你有几个问题,第一就是你是以一个例子开头,说车辆刺激了运输发展和经济,然后就论述怎么刺激运输发展又怎么提升了经济,但你就是没有直接点到technology去，这是个败笔，这叫差口气，而这口气，老外不会谅解你。

第二个问题就是你自己觉得有问题的几句话，As appearance of car train even plane, the difficulty that Transport some unmovable goods which easily be corroded, or, which too big to move became solvable by technology. 这句话明显用的结构很不聪明，你想想你difficulty 是单数，然后后面跟了一个that再跟一个which，那究竟谁才是修饰difficulty的？这是作文里很常见的随手句。后面那句我就不说了，你应该避免这种用法，即便你单复数什么都用队，这也不是什么地道表达，还不如老老实实写从句。

最后一段你是想写让步吧，但你最后又加了一个Thanks to the knowledge concluded from technology，整篇的意思我能理解了，但就这段来说，我觉得让步就整段让步比较好，可以少写一点，但不要两种意思捏在一起，这样别人就会觉得你段落之间排的不够合理。

这段你打问号的地方的确有问题，固定搭配是make sb do sth。

还有你没有末尾段，是来不及写了么？这样结构上就损失很大。

你要求改，我就不打分了，这篇的分数不会很好看，虽然你语言能力其实挺强的，但写的不够聪明。