请英语专业人士帮我评评这篇作文..

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/06/15 10:28:19
这是一个四级模拟题目，下面是我写的文章，我的英语作文不太好，请各位帮忙评论一下，有什么错误请指出来，谢谢啦！！
题目：Should Free Music Downloads Be Banned?
要求：1.越来越多的人开始在网上下载免费歌曲;
2.有些人认为这会严重影响唱片业的发展，应该予以禁止，有些人则不以为然；
3.我的看法。
我的作文：Wih the development of our social,more and more people have an idea of relaxing themselves,and listening the music is surely one of the most important ways to do so.In another way,finding musics on the Internet is very comfortable and downloading them from the net is free.So most of people chose this way to get musics which they like.
Some people don't think this way is a right way.They are curious about the music industry.They insist that free music downloads will make a affect to the music industry.Another people,however,argue that this way can be good for the development of the music industry as free music downloads can make the music be known by more people.
In my view,I think although free music downloads may have some advantages for the music industry,p

有几个小的语法错误，
Wih the development of our social,more and more people have an idea of relaxing themselves,and listening the music is surely one of the most important ways to do so。
这句话中，social应改为名词society."have an idea"改为"have the idea",listen是不及物动词，应该接"to".
免费最好的说法是：free of charge.
整片文章中，music都用了复数，复数是表示不同种的音乐，如果就是指听音乐，那就是单数。
finding music最好用searching for music，有搜索的意思。
make a affect 这个词组是错误的，直接用affect就行了，或者是have an effect on.这两个词很容易弄混淆。
another people 的表达错误，another修饰单数，而people修饰复数。改为other people。
"make the music be known "中去掉be
i think 和 in my view重复了，删掉一个。
最后一句话中的is可以去掉，尽管不去掉本身在语法上也没有什么错误，（feel后面直接接了一个宾语从句）可去掉后会更简练，明快。推荐去掉。
主要的毛病还是语法上的，一些词组的误用，冠词之类的。还出现一些啰嗦的句子。
i think this way is a right way.中第一个way可以去掉。a 变成 the.
还有一句是get music which they like，可能在这个地方，你像运用一下定语从句，可是，这个定语从句用着显得很啰嗦，像在拼字数。可以直接写成 get their favoriate music.

我这样找毛病是为了能够帮助你提高你的英语写作水平，当然，四级老师改卷子应该不会