UC知道批改雅思小作文
来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/05/17 16:20:05
As can be seen, the chart illustrates the 25-year period, spanning from the year of 1979 to 2004, brings the circumstance of fish and varies kinds of meat consumption in a European country to the light.
From 1979 to 1984, there appeared a wide fluctuate in the number of beef consumed by each person per week, which slumped sharply under 200 grams and then rallied above 200. Then the beef consumption fluctuated with overall downward trend between 1984 and 2004, and stayed at approximate 100 grams in 2004.
On the other hand, the number of lamb and chicken consumption developed in two opposite trends from 1979 to 2004 which both were 150 grams per person per week initially. Then, the number of chicken consumption surge and the lamb consumption subside with mild waves, and stopped at round about 250 and 50 grams respectively in 2004.
Ultimately, the number of fish consumption stayed gloomy from the beginning to the end which was 50 grams approximately.
In a nutshell, it
From 1979 to 1984, there appeared a wide fluctuate in the number of beef consumed by each person per week, which slumped sharply under 200 grams and then rallied above 200. Then the beef consumption fluctuated with overall downward trend between 1984 and 2004, and stayed at approximate 100 grams in 2004.
On the other hand, the number of lamb and chicken consumption developed in two opposite trends from 1979 to 2004 which both were 150 grams per person per week initially. Then, the number of chicken consumption surge and the lamb consumption subside with mild waves, and stopped at round about 250 and 50 grams respectively in 2004.
Ultimately, the number of fish consumption stayed gloomy from the beginning to the end which was 50 grams approximately.
In a nutshell, it
如果把第一段的spanning那句作为插入语去掉来看的话，后边的brings是不是有问题？跟前面的illustates共用一个主语是该用bringing吧
第二段wide fluctuation in the number吧
然后我觉得你then 用的太多了，有三处。可以试着换成meanwhile，likewise等
第三段surge和subside时态上注意一下，后面的用about就可以了，round就是about的意思
gloomy应该是gloomily吧
总得来说结构上还是很值得称道的，不过长句子要注意前后的紧凑性，我总感觉你的句子逻辑上有点怪怪的，不过6.5应该是基本差不多
引言段写得不好，没有做到restatement of the question，而且用as can be seen这种主体段常用的连接词作为开头不合适。直接用主+谓+宾+状语的结构来同义转换题目即可。
主体段语法错误比较多，比如a wide fluctuate；对于数据的表达不够精确，用词不够简练，比如slumped sharply；定语从句使用有错，比如。。。from 1979 to 2004 which both were 150 grams per person per week initially；
你的词汇量不错，不过在表达上有点华而不实，没有很好的服务于主体，写作句型不是很老练，数据排列上还需改进，要继续磨练磨练。
BAND 5.5
朗阁老师
还行，以你自己的意愿去改会更好。