请高手看下这句话有无语法错误。谢谢 很急！！！

When a person to enter(when引导一个从句，从句就是主谓宾，enter就是谓语，用第三人称单数enters。） the society, but also at work (我不太明白你的意思，这里为何要用转折？）to keep on learning new knowledge and skills, this time, a person's（可以说his ，避免重复。） level of learning efficiency （你是不是想说“学习效率的高低水平”，个人觉得the ability of learning更好一些。)will affect his (or her) work performance, then the impact and future of his career.
Just personal opinion .仅供参考。