帮忙看看我的雅思作文，可以得几分？？？？

来源：百度知道 编辑：UC知道 时间：2024/05/27 08:17:38
顺便看看 有什么错误吗？ 谢了！

题目：
illiteracy has traditionally been viewed as largely a third world problem.however it is becoming apparent that in countries such as the usa and australia,illiteracy is on the increase.discuss possible causes for this and its effect on society .
我的文章：
There is a growing tendency these years that not only in a wide range of the third world,but also some developed countries,such as the USA and Australia,illiteracy,which arouses a global attention,is on the increase.I’ll show you my opinion of the possible causes and its effects on society.

As we all know,the financial strength of these developped countries is strong. The government has subsidized the poor citizens or the layoffs for a long time. The legislation, which people treat as an exchange or a pacifier, facilitates more young people to drop out of school. The other reason is the parents, who concentrate on their work too much for the work stress in such competitive society

1。开头段意义不明显，和题目不搭调
2。第二段逻辑结构/语法（很）不好。
第一句和题目不搭调，考官不会首先有兴趣细读文章，首先就注意每段第一句，你第一句讲：那些发达国家的财政的力量是很强大的。和题目风马牛不相及。需要你直接点，举例：As we all know, illiteracy that happens in such developed country is a complicated phenomenon, it can be caused by several factors. Firstly...secondly...last but not least
然后第二段你的内容,无法支持题目观点，没有连接词的运用，没有明显的逻辑结构（从小到大，从家庭到社会，从XX方面到XX方面）。
第二段段落结构一般为
段落开头：阐述这个段落的主要观点——褒？贬？ 原因？
由于此题目为分析原因、阐述结果、提出解决方案的类型，所以，第二段要阐述原因。而不是你的那一大堆东西。
第三段，首先第一句就有问题：a wealth of social problems， 社会问题的财富？你是想表达：社会生产的问题吧。。。。写成 problems of social productivety force。第二句你for example 句号在F前面，或者干脆把Even前的句号变成逗号。 不然中文翻译下很搞笑： 我讲了一大篇道理，恩，例如。（完了） 例子……，并且这个例子写的不够完整：即使那些没文化的人不给社会造成危害，但是他们也没给社会做贡献。 可以这样写：没有文化的人（people without education【不要总用题目给的词】who although cause no harmness need the consumption of the society such as energy and resource etc.
结尾段，理论上要讲如何解决这个问题，你的to sum up后面就接了个 需要鼓励教育，是在太疲软了。。。最后一句，还好。

All in all,你这篇文章，如果是40分钟内写出来的，可以打5-5.5，（不要说我贬低你，忠言逆耳），